Only a Matter of Admitting
by Kyla45
Summary: One night Ichigo visits his mother's grave. He muses about his life, and the people in it. Silently he concludes, love is only a matter of admitting. Oneshot. IXR


I rolled over on my bed, drifting in and out of a peaceful sleep. It was after school, and by this time I should've been eating supper. However, I made sure that no one disturbed me, and let me sleep.

Lately the hollows had been appearing more and more frequently, they weren't strong, but the amount of weak hollows that flocked in the town was causing a huge dent in my sleep and study time. As a result, I had to try and make up for it somehow.

Unfortunately, this wasn't going according to plan. No matter how much I slept to make up for my lost hours, it never seemed I was getting enough. My grades were slowly dropping because I couldn't find enough time to study for those big exams and work on those fifty-percent-of-your-grade-projects.

I was more grumpy than usual, and I found that my mood was getting worse. I started to become annoyed at trivial things, or things I wouldn't normally think about. About two days ago my old geezer had called me a girl going through a never-ending PMS phase.

I had hit my father with more annoyance and force than I ever had.

I sat up slowly, feeling groggy and tired. Just as I was planning to lay back down, the skull on my desk started to glow, indicating a hollow was active, _again._

I groaned, and quickly knocked my soul out. Although it was more convenient to be able to knock my own soul from my body, I missed that tiny hand and her little red glove.

Kon jumped up on my soulless body.

" Ichigo! Tell you're sisters to stop dressing me up in _girls_ clothing!" he shouted, gesturing at the pink and frilly dress that was pinned in place. The outfit was accompanied by a curly blonde wig on top of the plush lion's head.

Kon proceeded to rant and complain and still didn't shut up, even long after I had jumped out of the window.

The hollow that I came upon was like all the others. Weak, stupid, and a nuisance.

I yelled a couple of curses at the hollow, for forcing me to exit my bedroom, and then leapt high in the air and came down with my Zanpakutou, slashing clean across the hollow's mask. In an instant the creature disappeared and I sighed, slowly walking back to my house.

I was no longer tired enough to fall asleep, but tired enough to yawn a loud obnoxious yawn.

" Stupid hollows, freaking bastards...why the hell are there so many all of a sudden?"

My mind wandered. I fathomed possibilities as to why the hollows were congregating all of a sudden. Maybe it was because of my reiatsu, maybe they were bored and wanted to annoy me, or maybe, they were following some complex plan from a new bad guy that wanted me dead.

I shook my head, because it was hurting now. I couldn't think straight. I groaned again and mumbled a string of curses.

I then decided to take a detour. I started to head towards my mother's grave. I would stay there all night and not bother with school the next day. I would talk to my mother, and hopefully, I would distract myself from all the jumbled thoughts that relentlessly tortured me.

I was so moody, I wasn't able to concentrate, I was always tired.. There had to be something wrong with me, but I didn't know what. And that bothered me all the more.

Just as I sat down in front of my mother's grave rain started to pour down, drenching me in a second flat. I stopped myself from cursing, after all I was in front of her grave.

I took a calming breath, slowly and surely, and started to talk to my mother as if she were sitting across from me.

I told her of my life, my shinigami powers, my many battles that I had fought, my doubts, my worries, and the empty spot that remained in my heart, always aching for her. I must have told her at least a dozen times, if not more, that I missed her a lot.

I started to tell her about what Soul Society was like, and all the people who resided there. I told her all about the 13 captains, the vice captains I knew well, and members of lower seats in the squads that I had become acquainted with.

I sneezed as the rain started to come down harder. I knew that my mother probably knew all of this already, the details of my life, my deepest thoughts and emotions. I believed (although I would never admit it) that my mother watched over me. I knew that if anyone was present to see me spilling my guts to the friendly company of thin air they would think me mad.

Not really the fact that I was talking to thin air, although that would help, but more so that I was _bearing my soul _to thin air. I'll admit, I wasn't someone who showed much emotion. My anger mostly covered up, acting like a shield. And so, for me to be talking to thin air about things I would never tell anyone else, that would be considered very unlike me.

I was very aware that this was not my persona. But, in my mind, my mother was sitting across from me, listening intently with caring and understanding eyes gazing lovingly back at me.

I wouldn't tell anyone else what I was telling my mother now.

When, in my rambles I absently mentioned Rukia, an un-preventable smile spread across my face.

I told my mom about how much of a pain Rukia was. I told her how I had saved her from her death punishment, I even told her about our first meeting, explaining that if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have became a shinigami.

I told her that Rukia was always wanting to sleep in my closet, that she was never a girlie-girl unless she had to when she came to my school. I told my mother that I had achieved bankai to save her, and that I'd never been more beaten up in my whole life then when I went on my mission to rescue her. But, I said with a smile ' It didn't matter, if I died knowing she was safe, then I would have died happily'

I could picture my mom smiling at me, wondering, the way mothers do, if her little boy had gotten a girlfriend.

I was quick to point out that Rukia was definitely not my girlfriend, she was only a friend, and besides, we barely saw each other now.

I guess if anyone was listening to me as I talked, they would have noticed a hint of sadness in my voice.

I proceeded to tell my mother all about Rukia, all the moments and adventures, and dangers we had shared. I remarked that Rukia was always able to make me feel more sure of myself she was always able to make me feel...well, happy. She could cheer me up when even the efforts of the most happy person wasn't enough.

My voice grew softer. Rukia wasn't like any other girl, and she had a certain way about her, she always seemed to be there for me, and I was there for her. I loved her company, even if she was annoying. She wasn't someone you could take advantage of, and she hit me a lot, but, I'd become used to it.

After a while, I realized I'd been talking about Rukia non stop. I scratched my head, and then got mad. I hadn't seen her for such a long time, why in the hell was I talking about her?

At first, I thought I must be really crazy when I heard the words as plain as day _'you miss her._'

I looked around, there was no way I'd spoken those words. No one was around, and now I was confused.

" I don't miss her!" I said ignorantly, not knowing who I was reassuring.

My eyes widened as a vivid image of my mother appeared before me. She was shaking her head and smiling that smile.

" Don't lie to yourself dear, you miss her because you love her. Now instead of moping around, why don't you go and see her?" her voice was airy, caring as always, and somewhat distant, sort of echoing. She smiled that genuine smile and then vanished.

I stared at the spot my mother had just occupied. I was going crazy, that was it.

Although, crazy or not...my mother had a point. Oddly enough, my mom was right, and I couldn't deny that, no matter how I tried. Well, I didn't know if the image of my mom was a product of my insane musings or not, but it didn't matter.

The rain had soaked me to the bone, and I smiled as I sneezed.

I got up, and judged it to be roughly 2AM in the morning.

I made up my mind, I was going to see her, right this minute. I had to, after all. It didn't matter that it was 2AM, it didn't matter that I was still unwilling to admit completely that I missed her...or even loved her. Although, I knew it was really only a matter of admitting, the feelings were there.

I was just going to see Rukia, for no particular reason, I told myself. But somewhere, my mom was smiling at her son's denial.

I was tired of this drenching rain anyway, and if I went to see Rukia then it would stop. One of the things I love about her was that she held the power to stop the raining.

Damn. I stopped dead in my tracks. Did I just say love?

* * *

_I am dearly sorry for any OOCness. Although, this was just spur of the moment. Tell me what you think._


End file.
